Update

It's been a long while so I'm sure hardly anyone, id be happy if one person, will read this.

I am in MC's
My relationship with the Lord has dramatically changed.
I can't believe I'm even in the program still, it is such a privilege and the Lord is so merciful.
Ive found a new love and passion for the people around me. I've realized that if I cant even have an effect on the people God has placed right in front of my face, if I can't choose them above myself then I'll have absolutely no effect on the people outside of my little church world. Reform starts right here, with me loving the people I already have. My love for God is measured by how much I can love His people.
Jesus has X-Ray vision, He told me Himself.
I have two new pairs of jammies from my wonderful host family and I'm wearing the polka dot ones right now.
Uh, so this is so embarrassing,but I think I'm starting to like cats. I know! Ive been a strict dog lover my whole life but I've met some cats recently that melted my cold dog heart.
Theres something to be said about real quiet time with God. I found Him in the quiet once, just laying down, not thinking, just being alive and He met me there. Somehow, in a way I cant describe, God changed me in that time. I started thinking thoughts I'd never thought before in a way I would never have thought them. It was like God took control of my mind. He cleared things out and made crooked paths straight and I came away different. Something in my mind was won that day.
The bible is actually really cool. It's fun! I love reading it. I've never had such a heart for God's word before like I do now.
So Christmas break is here and that's what I'm doing now. Pretty wild.
I would write more about all the revelations and failures and things I'm learning along this MC path but really I think I can sum it up with this mental picture. God holds my hand while I sleep and waits for me. When I open my eyes He looks upon me with joy and says, Oh there you are my love. His smile fills up the room. No matter how I went to bed feeling, whether I had made a terrible mistake, failed again, or just been hard hearted, God still reached for that tiny hand as I closed my eyes to sleep and waited for me. It took me awhile to realize that I didn't have to try and reach for His hand, I already had it in my own. He's always had me and He'll never let go. Every morning He's there, and so am I. "Oh there you are my love!" He says and as He smiles I return back, "Hi Dad." :)

Sicerely,
Jaelle the Daughter

To Grow

A small poem.

How about this time around

Before you get in trouble again

And forget who you are

And lose your head

And can't remember if you're alive or dead

Tell yourself

Command your soul

LET LOVE GROW.

Sometimes I feel like a lot of the trouble I bring on myself stems from forgetting this one truth: To let love grow. Truth is I NEED the Lord to grow His love in me if I want to make it. To let it bury so deep that it literally becomes entwined with everything that defines me. Or else I'll forget who I am and get stuck in a cycle of sin and mistakes that I'll never be able to break. But with that Holy, righteous love, growing steadily in me, God will be able to make me more than I am. That love can break all the patterns, all the same old, rusty chains that have been holding me back, all of my shame and make me NEW. All I have to do is say yes. Lord, LET LOVE GROW. Let it burn into my being and turn into ashes all that is not of You. Make a place in me that You can call home.

Sincerely,

Jaelle the Loved. 

Somewhere Beautiful

A few days ago I planned to go on a simple walk but instead got lost for two hours. It was a beautiful morning. The sun was sweet and the air had that crispy, smokey taste. I found the most fantastic tree to climb in on the edge of someone's property. I really pray that they didn't see me trapezing through the branches :) I just lost my feet for awhile and let myself wander. I was perfectly alone. perfectly happy to be on this little adventure and let me just say that the Lord met me there on that walk. I didn't say much. I thought a lot and prayed and just let God search me out. Eventually I sat down to read the bible for a little while. I finally finished getting through all of Psalms and Proverbs, something I had been trying to do for most of the summer! I meditated on the word then got back up to finish my walk. I enjoyed the sun and the presence of the Lord. It felt like I would never need anything else for awhile. Like I could drink of the beauty of that morning forever. When I finally got home I went upstairs and sat in my bed for awhile. Just drinking and singing and loving Jesus. Such perfection, such perfect peace. Mmm, just thought I'd share that moment with my faithful blog followers. God is good.

Sincerely,

Jaelle the Peaceful

All the Pieces

So I wrote this poem and it's kinda sad and romantic :) Don't worry I'm not going through this right now!  It just came to me. I feel like I've written down someone else's story, somebody else's tragedy.  It's about unrecognizeably giving yourself away to someone. Then when they're gone it's like life loses it's luster.  Anyways, I hope I've captured what I was trying to portray correctly.

All the Pieces

I think you knew that when you left

And took that train to nowhere

That you were taking something else

The singing in my shower

And right before you closed the door

And stepped inside the car

I saw you take another thing

The chords on my guitar

You stole the stars right from the sky

And all their wishes too

Looks like there'll never be a night

Quite like the ones we knew

Since you've been gone when I get up

Feels like I can't get warm

Without that smile to light the day

And carry me when there's a storm

But there is something else I know

The thing that makes this true

Something that I didn't think

That you would take with you

But when you gave that final glance

and looked into my eyes

And there was nothing left to say

Just pictures from another time

I saw that you were leaving

 With more then memories in part

No you were taking with you

All the pieces of my little heart

I am so glad that with Jesus I never have to deal with this kind of heartache. I get to save myself and my little heart till just the right one comes along. Thank you Lord that I get to be your bride with purity! I am so blessed to be born in the time that I am with people who understand what it means to be guarded and who want to guard me too. Oh Lord you are too good to me!

Sincerely,

Jaelle the Bride

Invisible Heroes

Some heroes are invisible in their good works. They silently make their way through the cracks in your life you didn't know were there and fill them up. It's only when they're gone ,and things feel incomplete, that you realize how much you were counting on their presence. The quiet peacekeepers, the ones that love you just because, the servants of all, they are heroes. I'm realizing as I'm moving on and things are changing just how many people have acted like silent heroes in my life. They pray for me without my asking, love on me, serve me from afar and expect nothing in return, not even praise or recognition. I want to be like these. Someone who just lives and loves and is who God made them. Someone who can be a hero without even trying, effortlessly effecting lives with a hug, a smile, a word of praise, or a listening ear. I want to be the kind of woman that is so full of the life of God that I give it off like candlelight. I want to be real. I want to be an invisible hero!


Sincerely,


Jaelle the Invisible

Through the Black

This is a short poem that I'm still working on but I like how it is so far. Please leave me your comments and criticism and let me know how I can improve :)

Through the Black

I will walk with You into the black

You'll have to keep my eyes from looking back

When I only want to take a glance

Just place inside my own Your steady hand

Grasp me tight and tell me of Your plans

Remind me how it feels to be romanced

And everything inside will learn to dance

As we walk together through the black

Free

Feels good right?

Son

I heard a son close the door
Took his feet to ground
No where now to be bound
Set his eyes on that dark, waiting shore

I saw him wrestle with thieves
Fell asleep under stars
That looked strangely like ours
Thought he was making a place were he could be free

I watched him gather up stones
Piled them up to the top
Made a fortress of rock
Told himself this looked somethin like home

I knew that look in his eyes
There were none who could keep
The fire of his feet
Or the stir of the heart under all of his guise.

I'll be here when he reaches the sea
Digs his toes in the sand
By the work of his hands
Made a lie of the man that he knew he could be

I waited till there was nothing but love

Told me he was cold

and ever so old

His cry made it's way to places above

I  heard a son come in from the shore

I smiled to his soul

And put love in his bones

And told him he'd always end up at my door


So this was a poem about someone I know who's still findin his way back to where he belongs. I know that no matter where he goes one day he'll end up back in God's arms. My heart has always been burdened for him and I'm praying that someday I'll see him come back home. God's waiting with love and grace and hope abundant, and so am I. 


Sincerely, 


Jaelle the Hopeful

Random Facts About Me!

If you've ever wanted to know a bunch of random facts about me well here they are!

-Are you still a mystery if you call yourself one? Well I'm going to do it anyways, I consider myself a bit of a mystery. 
-I love old books, new books, I'll read anything except for a bad book.
-I can't stand breath and I mean that seriously. I have to have the window open in the car because I can't stand the idea that I'm breathing recycled air from other people's lungs.  
-I love old things.
-I'm a Lord of the RIngs and Star Wars dork.
-Navy has become a favorite color of mine.
-My favorite candy is Hot Tomales and Junior Mints.
-I want to get more invested in my photography. 
-A nice cold cream soda and sun can make me the happiest girl in the world.
-The smell of fresh cut grass and wet forests always bring me home. 
-I write poetry and hope to one day publish a book. 
-I still climb trees on occasion. 
-I want a dog so badly. This is the first time ever my family hasn't had one and I hate it. 
-I am the creator, or should I say inventor, of the molten muffin cookie. It's the best thing you'll ever have if you're one of those people who likes an undercooked cookie, trust me.
-I love baking, seriously love baking, seriously.
-When I get in the sun too much I get a bunch of freckles on my upper lip area and it looks like I have a mustache.
-The moon saved my life once. No joke.
-I love ridiculously corny puns, probably nothing can make me laugh more except for Ashley Marie McCuen, she's hilarious!
-My favorite movies include: The Oceans, The Bournes, The Notebook, Pride and Prejudice, Inception, Toy Story, Dark Knight, Garden State, Star Wars, LOTR, Notting Hill, Fools Rush In, Hot Rod (Yes!), Drop Dead Gorgeous, and more I'm sure to think of later.
-What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pool. Bob. hahahaha! I love those jokes too.
-I think for me friends come softly. Sometimes I have this fun, witty side but most of the time I feel like a clam and it's hard to get me open.
-I'm extremely loyal.
-I paint, and not very well.
-Sometimes I talk with a French accent but only with those I'm most comfortable with.
-My love language is giving gifts and sisterly punching and squeezing.
-Ooh I hear my mom watching Pride and Prejudice right now and I think I'll join her!

Well that's all for now.

Sincerely,

Jaelle the not so mysterious anymore now that you've read all these facts about me.

So perhaps there's a bit of light and the end of this tunnel.

I looked into the sky last night and really saw the stars. It's a comfort to know that there's a light and beauty forever beyond the reach of any cloud. Just like I know there's a higher beauty and purpose waiting for me up beyond those shadows. I just need to look and reach.

Sincerely

Jaelle the Star Gazer

When Everything's Broke

Remember that post I wrote about victory? Well at tis moment I feel like it was such a sham to write it.

Just recently I made an enormous, unintentional mistake that's costing me a lot right now. I didn't realize how deep I was until this afternoon. It's like i've taken ten steps back into the person i used to be. I am shamed. I want nothing more then to go back in time and reset what was done. Warn myself that something terrible will happen if I don't open my eyes to what's going on. So here I am with a huge headache brought about by hours of crying and a heart so heavy and full it feels like it's going to burst out of my skin. It's one of those times when everything is broke. I just need Jesus. I need His blood to wash over my thoughtlessness and pride. I need a new mind, a new spirit a new being. I need to be who God intends me to be, not this silly, self-centered, childish girl! Jesus' blood is the only way. It's the only thing that keeps me standing and I plead it over everything I am! It's too bad that I'm having to go through this pain in order to see what my heart was really made of.

A word from proverbs comes to my mind right now. "Don't be like the mule who has to be taught by bit and bridle." Unfortunately this is what it's come to. I've been stubborn to change my ways like a mule is to revert from his path. Anyways I know that this time is already working powerful things in my heart. I feel broken, but the light is making it's way through the cracks. God is good.

Sincerely,

Jaelle the Broken

I don't think there's much else I need to say.

Victory

This weekend I went to a Garden Party that my church threw. It was a rainy , dismal day but never mind that. It was a glorious day by all other accounts. The food was awesome! I had a fantastic quiche that had maple bacon in it! Yummy! I love bacon :) And afterwards we were able to buy the table centerpieces of the tables. They were these really awesome birdcages and I got one for my room! So the best part was the message. Mrs. Lotz spoke about expecting God to be faithful. Expecting Him to be loving. It's crazy how much expectation can sway an outcome. It was totally the Lord because I've been working on this poem about expectation and turning your "What if's?" into a declaration of "what is!" So here is it. It's entitled "Victory." 

What if they all discover my shame
What if there isn't enough of His grace

What if I lose this hope in my veins

What if the heart inside of me wanes

What if the dark takes over the day

What if my eyes start to silently stray

What if I break under all of the strain

What if nothing can capture my pain
What if this sin leaves a terrible stain

What if I'll always be bound to these chains

I believe I’d sit here all the same

Silently, quietly  calling your name.

Until I can stand on this rocky terrain

And remember the man that decided to stay

And whispered to me in golden array

“ You don’t have to go it alone.”

What if promises were written in stone

What if truth was all that was told
What if our sons and daughters came home

What if hearts were made to be bold

What if love could make life from the old

What if peace kissed the burdens we hold

What if beauty surrounded all that I know

What if fear was trampled by faith and hope

What if a hand laid inside of my own

What if this hand would never let go

I believe I’d stand here in the cold

Decidedly, purposefully facing the goal

Until I could jump from the edge of the road

And reach for the heart that has captured my soul

And tell all the doubt that gnaws at my bones

“Today God has taken the day.”

I just feel at the edge of victory. Like I'm walking in it and already the vision of my world is changing. Beauty is everywhere. I'm seeing the fruit of God's promises and I'm just full of love and a heart to serve. God's helping me to conquer things in my life that have been a hiccup to my spiritual growth for a long time. I feel like a warrior. I'm just in awe of what the Lord is doing right now in my life. He is so faithful, so perfect. I can't even describe how much passion is bubbling up inside my heart. The Lord is so good.

Sincerely,

Jaelle the Victorious. 

My girls

I am becoming a little sad.
This whole graduation/moving on/leaving things behind/growing up thing is coming at me fast.
I think I just realized how much I'm going to miss it all. The hallway laughter, eating lunch at a lunch-table, asking my little brother to help me with  my math homework, giggling at the funny idiosyncrasies of all of my wonderful teachers, somehow convincing Aunty Dana to give me a Friday lunch (she's such a sweetie), being pushed till I feel like pretending to be sick to stay home, all of the senior duties, being able to sow into little ones, asking Aunt Janet if she has any mints (and she always does), chatting with the moms who volunteer at school (many of which feel like second mothers to me), furiously cramming with my classmates when a big test is only minutes away, singing at the top of our lungs like no one's around, being able to go outside and bask in the sun during a study hall.
But most importantly I'm going to heartily miss all of these women in my class who have taught me, in their own ways, how to be a daughter. I've never felt so close to Daddy in my entire life and I know it's from watching all of their examples and learning how to take on true daughterhood. How precious these girls are to me. With their bubbly laughter and gracious hearts, I couldn't ask for more beautiful classmates. Their motherly tenderness and concern has kept me on the straight and narrow these past two years. Their pure love and unblemished spirits have affected mine in a way they could never imagine. I can honestly, and with a full heart, say that the women in my class have changed my life forever. They've been my girls from my very first days, when I was insecure and lonely and hungry for something more. Though I know I'm not abandoning them I'm taking the first steps towards parting and my heart aches a little. Like there's something inside that's being torn off. I know it's just a corner of the napkin, but I like that corner, in fact I love that corner and I don't want to lose it. I know God plans on replacing it with new things but for now I'm not used to it, and my heart hurts. Oh how I need His grace to keep moving on.
 I think I'll stop now and thank you if you read all that. It was quite a rant and you should be proud of yourself for getting through it.

Sincerely,

Jaelle the Torn

Wild Thing

Sometimes I just want to be a wild thing. Absolutely let go, a dancer, a climber, a dreamer, a conquerer of hills and oceans. Someone who's wild thoughts are untamable, unbelievable, absolutely impossible, but that makes it all the more fun to seek them. I want to run into the ocean and scream and splash like I'm trying to cover the earth with my waves. I want to find the biggest tree in the world and dig my hands into it's bark and climb my way to the edge of the sky. Don't you ever just want to run around and be crazy? There's no rhyme or rythm to it, it's just like an explosion of being. And my heart's pounding, my feet clang and my arms fly and all I can do is laugh and yell. I want to run outside and tear the earth apart with each dazzling leap and feel for a moment like I'm weightless. I'm absolutely boundless. I can't stop, I won't stop giving everything I can. It's madness, a beautiful, unexplainable loss of dignity and breath.

I hope you were imagining that along with me. Of course I can sometimes sneak aspects of that life into reality. I can dream the impossible with God, I can dance like no one's watching and when opportunity comes perhaps I'll climb a tree. But more then the physical aspect I want that wildness in my pursuit of the Lord. I want to be willing to do anything to see His face. I want that wild, untameable passion that bursts and moves and leaps for the sake my Father. I want to run with everything I have into His arms. I want mad, beautiful love that can be spurred by nothing else but His gaze. I want to want Jesus with every fiber of my being!

Whew I need to go dance around or something.

Sincerely.

Jaelle The Wild

High Beauty

"There peeping among the cloud-wrack, above the dark high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for awhile. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small passing thing: there was light and high beauty forever beyond it's reach." -Lord of the Rings, Return of The King

Ahh this passage from LOTR almost makes me cry every time. To think that above these misty clouds that block our view, beyond the storms and shadow there is a pure and perfect light that continues to burn in beauty forever. Though I cannot see it, it remains untouchable in it's perfection, alight forever for it's audience of One. 


I don't think I'll look at the stars the same again. What a promise they are. I feel God saying, "Don't worry, my beauty and my purpose is out of reach of any evil. Just, look up."

Loving With Strings Attached

The other day I was truly offended. When I tried to talk to someone I got little less then a grunt in response, they didn't even look up from the phone they were texting with. I ended up just walking away, bewildered and hurt. I harbored up in my room that night feeling absolutely worthless. I hate it when I feel on the outside of peoples worlds. Like a traveler sailing around an island with impossible rocky cliffs, all it seems they can do is drift. I started harboring some pretty bitter feelings. Then I asked God and searched for Him. "God why do I feel this way? It's not right." He answered with this phrase, "It's ok to love people and not receive love back." Right after this revelation came to me I felt myself flooded with feelings of compassion and love for this person. I felt like no matter how many times they ignore me it wouldn't hurt at all because I have the freedom to love people without needing to be loved in return! It's ok, I didn't need their affirmation, all I need is a refilling of the love of God to wash over me so that I can continue to love like He does.

Then I wondered, "Does the love I give come with strings attached?" Have I been loving people for the sake of retrieving their love in return? Have I been selfishly doling out gifts because I expect to receive them back? I realize I was only offended because I was loving with strings attached, it was a self-satisfying, self-seeking love that lives only for itself. That kind of love doesn't risk anything because it's purpose is to create a cycle where as soon as it's given it comes right back. I'm glad that person ignored me now. If this is true then I haven't been really loving people. Real love gives without asking, does without needing and I have had the gaul to hoard it for only the ones who I will give it back. I cannot live this way! Indeed no one can live this way. Love should be free to fly or rest it's wings on weathered shoulders. Whether or not it finds a home amidst tremored heartstrings it's always there, ready to move in when the time is right.

That's not to say that I'll just cast my love in every direction. No there is a purpose and a mystery to loving people. That is to say I'll love everyone with that uncommon, Godly love but there is a depth to it that I'll keep locked away for awhile, saved for specific people who God has called to be apart of my future.

So anyways that's my rant :)

"I swear it's You that I've waited for.
I swear it's You that my heart beats for.
And it ain't gonna stop.
No it just won't stop"

;)

Wonder

I LOVE THIS KID!

And the message also. 

Let me tell you a story.

When my brother James was a baby my mom placed him in a little, what do you call it? baby seat? Well one of those things that children sit in. Anyways, so my mother turns around for  second to grab a bottle of baby food and when she turns back she notices James eating something. With horror she opens his mouth and realizes it was a spider! He just grabbed it right off the wall and put it in his mouth! Of course she immedaiteley set to the task of pulling little spider pieces from James tiny teeth while he laughed his cute little head off. 

Now what I love about this story is the idea that a baby, a little, chubster baby, could just look at a spider and without any fear pick it up and eat it. Now that he's grown up James hates spiders but when he was a baby there was something about the wonder of the creature that gave him complete courage to conquer it. It was his innocence that allowed him to reach out and touch the untouchable. Most of the time I think it's the fear built up in my own mind about things that is the most effective at keeping me idle. It's not the strength or the horror of what I'm facing, but my own ideas about it that stop me from conquering it. If only I could look at the creatures that I'm facing with the same wonder and fearlessness of a child. Maybe I'd see them for what they really are, little bugs that I could eat up in a second. I think an army of innocents will do some of the greatest damage to the Kingdom of darkness, because they contain the wonder and courage of childlike faith.

What this world needs is a little wonder, the wonder of the innocents. 

She's amazing.

"I know in the age that we live it is not at all politically correct to say the name of Jesus Christ in places like this. To bring Him into these sorts of meetings because His name can make people so terribly uncomfortable. But I didn't survive so I could make everyone comfortable." -Gianna Jessen, Abortion Survivor

No Ordinary Love

Imagine what it would be to take the burden of another's heart. All of their worries and troubles now weigh impossibly on your chest. All their secret thoughts and needs, everything they've kept hidden for a hundred years, stings your spirit heavily and tempts your flesh. Could you stand being now doubled over in temptation, is it not hard enough reigning your own thoughts in? Every whir and drum of their heart now beats irregularly to the thrum of your own. How could you bear it? How could you handle taking on the emotional responsibility of everything another person could possibly feel? Would the burden not crush your own heart in it's attempt to carry two?

Now imagine laying on cross, nails in your hands and feet. Every breath makes your ribs creak in tortured pain, every moment your body weighs heavier upon the three thick nails that are holding you up. Now you're taking on not just the burden of one persons heart but the entire world. All the secrets of every troubled soul stir in your ear. If they are tempted, you are tempted. If the masses have killed, raped, or ever kept any evil hidden in their breast, now you bear it in your own. Their sin is your sin, their hearts press your heart. And somehow you have to resist the temptations of the whole world. You have to resist blaming them, you have to forgive! Forgive those who have torn your place of sanctuary apart and place their dirtied feet in your unblemished home. You're being crushed by the weight of a billion rocky souls and yet you must have compassion, compassion enough to cover the hearts of all. Your heart has to be big enough to not only withstand their torment but wash it with an ocean's worth of love. This is impossible. This was Jesus. This is our God! How GREAT! How wonderful! How beautiful! To have carried my filth and shame and felt my heart like it was His own, (He probably knows it better then I do myself) and to still love me. To love me. To hold me and kiss me and give me destiny and purpose. To know every inner temptaion that I face and still say, "Forgive them for they know not what they do." AAHHHHHHHHH!

This is no ordinary love.

My Ideal Man

Amen!

Guitar

One of my favorite past times.
I think if my heart could play it's own music, it'd play the soft picked chords of an acoustic guitar.
Sweet and slow
Fast and rhythmic
Clannging and rushing and rolling
Deep and moving
Quiet and soothing
It'd play a song by a crackly campfire
Or on a sandy beach
On a quiet roof
Under a starry, moonlit sky

Ah guitar I love you so!

Photo Cred: Mackenna Julia

My Mothers Bowl

Tonight I washed my mothers bowl. It started off routinely as ever. I squeezed a bit of soap into it's middle then worked my way outwards. As I turned it over in the sink I noticed the sticker at the bottom of the bowl that read "K Hamann" I smiled, knowing this was how my mother had marked this bowl for herself. It's the same sticker that had been there for forever though recently the edges curled up a bit and the writing was slightly faded. I traced it with my fingers slowly, feeling the slippery surface of the tape. Then I realized, someday when I inherit these pots and pans and dishware, and have my own shelves and cupboards to place them in,  that I'll have to replace the sticker on this particular bowl with a new one, with a new name. It wont be a Hamann bowl any longer, I wont be a Hamann any longer. I felt a bit of sadness fall over me. A twinge of the heart made me feel a little heavier inside. I'm going to miss that name. I"m going to miss my family and the way things have always been. Growing up, though exciting and wonderful,  seems to come at you so fast sometimes.

Worried Shoes

I took off my worried shoes and placed them by the road

I took off my worried shoes, the ones I'd always known

I took off my worried shoes and let the sun just fill my soul

I took off my worried shoes and left them all alone

Inspiration for poem from the song "Worried Shoes" by Karen O. 

The other day I was feeling burdened and tired. I was just done. I was like "Ugh, does the pressure ever stop?" I've been going through a year of constant pressure, constant pushing and pressing and molding. Do I ever get time to breathe? Then God said simply, "Take off your worried shoes and walk with Me." 

So I did just that.

I took off my worried shoes and went for a walk.

Though I'm vulnerable and unprotected I can trust that God won't lead me over any broken glass.

I'm safer here with my worried shoes left on the side of the road and the freedom of bare feet!

God took all the worry and doubt away and told me I could do it. 

The pressure is still here, I don't think it'll be going anywhere for awhile.

But with my worried shoes gone I finally have the freedom to dance.

I have the freedom of joy and mercy, peace and glory all because I decided to give my troubled thoughts to the Lord and trust that His hands could hold me up. 

Barefoot never felt so good :)

Inside

"People are like stain glass windows, they sparkle and shine when the sun is out but in darkness their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." 

It's the inside of my soul that should blow people away. The sweet compassion and tenderness of grace that reflects the love of Jesus within me. It's my inner beauty that will cast shadows and burn brightest. It's my inner beauty that gives God something to work with. 

Ansel

The Cost of Vanity.

I do not wander anymore, I seek.

Always

This is the start
This is your heart
This is the day you were born
This is the sun
These are your lungs
This is the day you were born

And I am always yours

These are the scars
Deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
This is the hole
Where most of your soul
Comes ripping out
From the places you’ve been torn

And it is always yours
But I am always yours

Hallelujah!
I’m caving in
Hallelujah!
I’m in love again
Hallelujah!
I’m a wretched man
Hallelujah!
Every breath is a second chance

And it is always yours
And I am always yours 

Right now I'm.....

crying.

A Haitian woman, thousands of miles away has pierced my spirit.
She had been stuck under the reamaining pieces of her crumbled home for several daysuntil finally a few volunteers head her soft cry for help.
When they got her out she started singing.
And it wasn't just song, it was worship.
She praised the Lord for saving her
She blessed his name and called him great.
Hearing her voice made me want to cry I just couldn't contain my emotion.
She worshipped the Lord in the midst of complete devastation.
Wow, to own a precious, sweet humility like that.

I burn for that kind of faith.

Something I made and something I hold close to my heart.

Dieting

Goodbye days of..

Curly fries

Cheesburgers

Milkshakes

Ice cream

Candy

Cinnamon Rolls

Cupcakes

Brownies

POTATOES MY FAVORITE THING IN THE WORLD

And everything else that refuses to be delicious and healthy.

Hello....

Salad

Vegetables

Whole Grain

Whole Wheat

Low Fat Meat

Frozen Fruit

And sugarless everything

I suppose it's all worth it. My new motto "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."

Try saying that to fresh baked chocolate chip cookies!

Lord give me strength!

"O Christ, my life, possess me utterly. 

Take me and make a little Christ of me. 

If I am anything but thy father's son, 

'Tis something not yet from the darkness won. 

Oh, give me light to live with open eyes. 

Oh, give me life to hope above all skies."

-George Macdonald

Going Back

                                                                                                    

As I prepare myself for school I realize something.

      Grace is not to be earned but it is to be apprehended.

                   

Monologue

So It's 2010.

And I'm graduating
And I'm 18
And I'm finally learning how to drive
And I'm starting a new diet
And I'm running every day
And I can't stop crying during every movie, the most recent being Signs
And the shock of being this far into school isn't wearing off.
And life is in mega-ultra turbo drive
And I just want to breathe
And I love my guitar more then ever
And my brothers are getting too big and too strong
And I love my new room
And I'm frustrated it hasn't snowed yet
And I don't think that free snuggie I ordered is ever going to get here
And I want a dog
And I miss Christmas
And I baked really great pancakes today
And I'm excited to fast after all this holiday feasting
And all my endeavors seem possible
And God is consistently showering love and grace over me
And I'm happy

Welcome 2010
To a life well lived
And loved