Random Facts About Me!

If you've ever wanted to know a bunch of random facts about me well here they are!

-Are you still a mystery if you call yourself one? Well I'm going to do it anyways, I consider myself a bit of a mystery. 
-I love old books, new books, I'll read anything except for a bad book.
-I can't stand breath and I mean that seriously. I have to have the window open in the car because I can't stand the idea that I'm breathing recycled air from other people's lungs.  
-I love old things.
-I'm a Lord of the RIngs and Star Wars dork.
-Navy has become a favorite color of mine.
-My favorite candy is Hot Tomales and Junior Mints.
-I want to get more invested in my photography. 
-A nice cold cream soda and sun can make me the happiest girl in the world.
-The smell of fresh cut grass and wet forests always bring me home. 
-I write poetry and hope to one day publish a book. 
-I still climb trees on occasion. 
-I want a dog so badly. This is the first time ever my family hasn't had one and I hate it. 
-I am the creator, or should I say inventor, of the molten muffin cookie. It's the best thing you'll ever have if you're one of those people who likes an undercooked cookie, trust me.
-I love baking, seriously love baking, seriously.
-When I get in the sun too much I get a bunch of freckles on my upper lip area and it looks like I have a mustache.
-The moon saved my life once. No joke.
-I love ridiculously corny puns, probably nothing can make me laugh more except for Ashley Marie McCuen, she's hilarious!
-My favorite movies include: The Oceans, The Bournes, The Notebook, Pride and Prejudice, Inception, Toy Story, Dark Knight, Garden State, Star Wars, LOTR, Notting Hill, Fools Rush In, Hot Rod (Yes!), Drop Dead Gorgeous, and more I'm sure to think of later.
-What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pool. Bob. hahahaha! I love those jokes too.
-I think for me friends come softly. Sometimes I have this fun, witty side but most of the time I feel like a clam and it's hard to get me open.
-I'm extremely loyal.
-I paint, and not very well.
-Sometimes I talk with a French accent but only with those I'm most comfortable with.
-My love language is giving gifts and sisterly punching and squeezing.
-Ooh I hear my mom watching Pride and Prejudice right now and I think I'll join her!

Well that's all for now.

Sincerely,

Jaelle the not so mysterious anymore now that you've read all these facts about me.

So perhaps there's a bit of light and the end of this tunnel.

I looked into the sky last night and really saw the stars. It's a comfort to know that there's a light and beauty forever beyond the reach of any cloud. Just like I know there's a higher beauty and purpose waiting for me up beyond those shadows. I just need to look and reach.

Sincerely

Jaelle the Star Gazer

When Everything's Broke

Remember that post I wrote about victory? Well at tis moment I feel like it was such a sham to write it.

Just recently I made an enormous, unintentional mistake that's costing me a lot right now. I didn't realize how deep I was until this afternoon. It's like i've taken ten steps back into the person i used to be. I am shamed. I want nothing more then to go back in time and reset what was done. Warn myself that something terrible will happen if I don't open my eyes to what's going on. So here I am with a huge headache brought about by hours of crying and a heart so heavy and full it feels like it's going to burst out of my skin. It's one of those times when everything is broke. I just need Jesus. I need His blood to wash over my thoughtlessness and pride. I need a new mind, a new spirit a new being. I need to be who God intends me to be, not this silly, self-centered, childish girl! Jesus' blood is the only way. It's the only thing that keeps me standing and I plead it over everything I am! It's too bad that I'm having to go through this pain in order to see what my heart was really made of.

A word from proverbs comes to my mind right now. "Don't be like the mule who has to be taught by bit and bridle." Unfortunately this is what it's come to. I've been stubborn to change my ways like a mule is to revert from his path. Anyways I know that this time is already working powerful things in my heart. I feel broken, but the light is making it's way through the cracks. God is good.

Sincerely,

Jaelle the Broken

I don't think there's much else I need to say.

Victory

This weekend I went to a Garden Party that my church threw. It was a rainy , dismal day but never mind that. It was a glorious day by all other accounts. The food was awesome! I had a fantastic quiche that had maple bacon in it! Yummy! I love bacon :) And afterwards we were able to buy the table centerpieces of the tables. They were these really awesome birdcages and I got one for my room! So the best part was the message. Mrs. Lotz spoke about expecting God to be faithful. Expecting Him to be loving. It's crazy how much expectation can sway an outcome. It was totally the Lord because I've been working on this poem about expectation and turning your "What if's?" into a declaration of "what is!" So here is it. It's entitled "Victory." 

What if they all discover my shame
What if there isn't enough of His grace

What if I lose this hope in my veins

What if the heart inside of me wanes

What if the dark takes over the day

What if my eyes start to silently stray

What if I break under all of the strain

What if nothing can capture my pain
What if this sin leaves a terrible stain

What if I'll always be bound to these chains

I believe I’d sit here all the same

Silently, quietly  calling your name.

Until I can stand on this rocky terrain

And remember the man that decided to stay

And whispered to me in golden array

“ You don’t have to go it alone.”

What if promises were written in stone

What if truth was all that was told
What if our sons and daughters came home

What if hearts were made to be bold

What if love could make life from the old

What if peace kissed the burdens we hold

What if beauty surrounded all that I know

What if fear was trampled by faith and hope

What if a hand laid inside of my own

What if this hand would never let go

I believe I’d stand here in the cold

Decidedly, purposefully facing the goal

Until I could jump from the edge of the road

And reach for the heart that has captured my soul

And tell all the doubt that gnaws at my bones

“Today God has taken the day.”

I just feel at the edge of victory. Like I'm walking in it and already the vision of my world is changing. Beauty is everywhere. I'm seeing the fruit of God's promises and I'm just full of love and a heart to serve. God's helping me to conquer things in my life that have been a hiccup to my spiritual growth for a long time. I feel like a warrior. I'm just in awe of what the Lord is doing right now in my life. He is so faithful, so perfect. I can't even describe how much passion is bubbling up inside my heart. The Lord is so good.

Sincerely,

Jaelle the Victorious. 

My girls

I am becoming a little sad.
This whole graduation/moving on/leaving things behind/growing up thing is coming at me fast.
I think I just realized how much I'm going to miss it all. The hallway laughter, eating lunch at a lunch-table, asking my little brother to help me with  my math homework, giggling at the funny idiosyncrasies of all of my wonderful teachers, somehow convincing Aunty Dana to give me a Friday lunch (she's such a sweetie), being pushed till I feel like pretending to be sick to stay home, all of the senior duties, being able to sow into little ones, asking Aunt Janet if she has any mints (and she always does), chatting with the moms who volunteer at school (many of which feel like second mothers to me), furiously cramming with my classmates when a big test is only minutes away, singing at the top of our lungs like no one's around, being able to go outside and bask in the sun during a study hall.
But most importantly I'm going to heartily miss all of these women in my class who have taught me, in their own ways, how to be a daughter. I've never felt so close to Daddy in my entire life and I know it's from watching all of their examples and learning how to take on true daughterhood. How precious these girls are to me. With their bubbly laughter and gracious hearts, I couldn't ask for more beautiful classmates. Their motherly tenderness and concern has kept me on the straight and narrow these past two years. Their pure love and unblemished spirits have affected mine in a way they could never imagine. I can honestly, and with a full heart, say that the women in my class have changed my life forever. They've been my girls from my very first days, when I was insecure and lonely and hungry for something more. Though I know I'm not abandoning them I'm taking the first steps towards parting and my heart aches a little. Like there's something inside that's being torn off. I know it's just a corner of the napkin, but I like that corner, in fact I love that corner and I don't want to lose it. I know God plans on replacing it with new things but for now I'm not used to it, and my heart hurts. Oh how I need His grace to keep moving on.
 I think I'll stop now and thank you if you read all that. It was quite a rant and you should be proud of yourself for getting through it.

Sincerely,

Jaelle the Torn

Wild Thing

Sometimes I just want to be a wild thing. Absolutely let go, a dancer, a climber, a dreamer, a conquerer of hills and oceans. Someone who's wild thoughts are untamable, unbelievable, absolutely impossible, but that makes it all the more fun to seek them. I want to run into the ocean and scream and splash like I'm trying to cover the earth with my waves. I want to find the biggest tree in the world and dig my hands into it's bark and climb my way to the edge of the sky. Don't you ever just want to run around and be crazy? There's no rhyme or rythm to it, it's just like an explosion of being. And my heart's pounding, my feet clang and my arms fly and all I can do is laugh and yell. I want to run outside and tear the earth apart with each dazzling leap and feel for a moment like I'm weightless. I'm absolutely boundless. I can't stop, I won't stop giving everything I can. It's madness, a beautiful, unexplainable loss of dignity and breath.

I hope you were imagining that along with me. Of course I can sometimes sneak aspects of that life into reality. I can dream the impossible with God, I can dance like no one's watching and when opportunity comes perhaps I'll climb a tree. But more then the physical aspect I want that wildness in my pursuit of the Lord. I want to be willing to do anything to see His face. I want that wild, untameable passion that bursts and moves and leaps for the sake my Father. I want to run with everything I have into His arms. I want mad, beautiful love that can be spurred by nothing else but His gaze. I want to want Jesus with every fiber of my being!

Whew I need to go dance around or something.

Sincerely.

Jaelle The Wild

High Beauty

"There peeping among the cloud-wrack, above the dark high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for awhile. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small passing thing: there was light and high beauty forever beyond it's reach." -Lord of the Rings, Return of The King

Ahh this passage from LOTR almost makes me cry every time. To think that above these misty clouds that block our view, beyond the storms and shadow there is a pure and perfect light that continues to burn in beauty forever. Though I cannot see it, it remains untouchable in it's perfection, alight forever for it's audience of One. 


I don't think I'll look at the stars the same again. What a promise they are. I feel God saying, "Don't worry, my beauty and my purpose is out of reach of any evil. Just, look up."