Loving With Strings Attached

The other day I was truly offended. When I tried to talk to someone I got little less then a grunt in response, they didn't even look up from the phone they were texting with. I ended up just walking away, bewildered and hurt. I harbored up in my room that night feeling absolutely worthless. I hate it when I feel on the outside of peoples worlds. Like a traveler sailing around an island with impossible rocky cliffs, all it seems they can do is drift. I started harboring some pretty bitter feelings. Then I asked God and searched for Him. "God why do I feel this way? It's not right." He answered with this phrase, "It's ok to love people and not receive love back." Right after this revelation came to me I felt myself flooded with feelings of compassion and love for this person. I felt like no matter how many times they ignore me it wouldn't hurt at all because I have the freedom to love people without needing to be loved in return! It's ok, I didn't need their affirmation, all I need is a refilling of the love of God to wash over me so that I can continue to love like He does.

Then I wondered, "Does the love I give come with strings attached?" Have I been loving people for the sake of retrieving their love in return? Have I been selfishly doling out gifts because I expect to receive them back? I realize I was only offended because I was loving with strings attached, it was a self-satisfying, self-seeking love that lives only for itself. That kind of love doesn't risk anything because it's purpose is to create a cycle where as soon as it's given it comes right back. I'm glad that person ignored me now. If this is true then I haven't been really loving people. Real love gives without asking, does without needing and I have had the gaul to hoard it for only the ones who I will give it back. I cannot live this way! Indeed no one can live this way. Love should be free to fly or rest it's wings on weathered shoulders. Whether or not it finds a home amidst tremored heartstrings it's always there, ready to move in when the time is right.

That's not to say that I'll just cast my love in every direction. No there is a purpose and a mystery to loving people. That is to say I'll love everyone with that uncommon, Godly love but there is a depth to it that I'll keep locked away for awhile, saved for specific people who God has called to be apart of my future.

So anyways that's my rant :)

"I swear it's You that I've waited for.
I swear it's You that my heart beats for.
And it ain't gonna stop.
No it just won't stop"

;)

Wonder

I LOVE THIS KID!

And the message also. 

Let me tell you a story.

When my brother James was a baby my mom placed him in a little, what do you call it? baby seat? Well one of those things that children sit in. Anyways, so my mother turns around for  second to grab a bottle of baby food and when she turns back she notices James eating something. With horror she opens his mouth and realizes it was a spider! He just grabbed it right off the wall and put it in his mouth! Of course she immedaiteley set to the task of pulling little spider pieces from James tiny teeth while he laughed his cute little head off. 

Now what I love about this story is the idea that a baby, a little, chubster baby, could just look at a spider and without any fear pick it up and eat it. Now that he's grown up James hates spiders but when he was a baby there was something about the wonder of the creature that gave him complete courage to conquer it. It was his innocence that allowed him to reach out and touch the untouchable. Most of the time I think it's the fear built up in my own mind about things that is the most effective at keeping me idle. It's not the strength or the horror of what I'm facing, but my own ideas about it that stop me from conquering it. If only I could look at the creatures that I'm facing with the same wonder and fearlessness of a child. Maybe I'd see them for what they really are, little bugs that I could eat up in a second. I think an army of innocents will do some of the greatest damage to the Kingdom of darkness, because they contain the wonder and courage of childlike faith.

What this world needs is a little wonder, the wonder of the innocents. 

She's amazing.

"I know in the age that we live it is not at all politically correct to say the name of Jesus Christ in places like this. To bring Him into these sorts of meetings because His name can make people so terribly uncomfortable. But I didn't survive so I could make everyone comfortable." -Gianna Jessen, Abortion Survivor

No Ordinary Love

Imagine what it would be to take the burden of another's heart. All of their worries and troubles now weigh impossibly on your chest. All their secret thoughts and needs, everything they've kept hidden for a hundred years, stings your spirit heavily and tempts your flesh. Could you stand being now doubled over in temptation, is it not hard enough reigning your own thoughts in? Every whir and drum of their heart now beats irregularly to the thrum of your own. How could you bear it? How could you handle taking on the emotional responsibility of everything another person could possibly feel? Would the burden not crush your own heart in it's attempt to carry two?

Now imagine laying on cross, nails in your hands and feet. Every breath makes your ribs creak in tortured pain, every moment your body weighs heavier upon the three thick nails that are holding you up. Now you're taking on not just the burden of one persons heart but the entire world. All the secrets of every troubled soul stir in your ear. If they are tempted, you are tempted. If the masses have killed, raped, or ever kept any evil hidden in their breast, now you bear it in your own. Their sin is your sin, their hearts press your heart. And somehow you have to resist the temptations of the whole world. You have to resist blaming them, you have to forgive! Forgive those who have torn your place of sanctuary apart and place their dirtied feet in your unblemished home. You're being crushed by the weight of a billion rocky souls and yet you must have compassion, compassion enough to cover the hearts of all. Your heart has to be big enough to not only withstand their torment but wash it with an ocean's worth of love. This is impossible. This was Jesus. This is our God! How GREAT! How wonderful! How beautiful! To have carried my filth and shame and felt my heart like it was His own, (He probably knows it better then I do myself) and to still love me. To love me. To hold me and kiss me and give me destiny and purpose. To know every inner temptaion that I face and still say, "Forgive them for they know not what they do." AAHHHHHHHHH!

This is no ordinary love.

My Ideal Man

Amen!

Guitar

One of my favorite past times.
I think if my heart could play it's own music, it'd play the soft picked chords of an acoustic guitar.
Sweet and slow
Fast and rhythmic
Clannging and rushing and rolling
Deep and moving
Quiet and soothing
It'd play a song by a crackly campfire
Or on a sandy beach
On a quiet roof
Under a starry, moonlit sky

Ah guitar I love you so!

Photo Cred: Mackenna Julia

My Mothers Bowl

Tonight I washed my mothers bowl. It started off routinely as ever. I squeezed a bit of soap into it's middle then worked my way outwards. As I turned it over in the sink I noticed the sticker at the bottom of the bowl that read "K Hamann" I smiled, knowing this was how my mother had marked this bowl for herself. It's the same sticker that had been there for forever though recently the edges curled up a bit and the writing was slightly faded. I traced it with my fingers slowly, feeling the slippery surface of the tape. Then I realized, someday when I inherit these pots and pans and dishware, and have my own shelves and cupboards to place them in,  that I'll have to replace the sticker on this particular bowl with a new one, with a new name. It wont be a Hamann bowl any longer, I wont be a Hamann any longer. I felt a bit of sadness fall over me. A twinge of the heart made me feel a little heavier inside. I'm going to miss that name. I"m going to miss my family and the way things have always been. Growing up, though exciting and wonderful,  seems to come at you so fast sometimes.

Worried Shoes

I took off my worried shoes and placed them by the road

I took off my worried shoes, the ones I'd always known

I took off my worried shoes and let the sun just fill my soul

I took off my worried shoes and left them all alone

Inspiration for poem from the song "Worried Shoes" by Karen O. 

The other day I was feeling burdened and tired. I was just done. I was like "Ugh, does the pressure ever stop?" I've been going through a year of constant pressure, constant pushing and pressing and molding. Do I ever get time to breathe? Then God said simply, "Take off your worried shoes and walk with Me." 

So I did just that.

I took off my worried shoes and went for a walk.

Though I'm vulnerable and unprotected I can trust that God won't lead me over any broken glass.

I'm safer here with my worried shoes left on the side of the road and the freedom of bare feet!

God took all the worry and doubt away and told me I could do it. 

The pressure is still here, I don't think it'll be going anywhere for awhile.

But with my worried shoes gone I finally have the freedom to dance.

I have the freedom of joy and mercy, peace and glory all because I decided to give my troubled thoughts to the Lord and trust that His hands could hold me up. 

Barefoot never felt so good :)